December 19, 2005 Column

• Remember bowl pool is due Tuesday at 5:00 pm et. Email me with questions.
• In the first annual "Joe Theisman Who Can Kiss the Most Ass by Spewing the Most Ridiculously Positive Comments" award, we have identified Sterling Sharp and Paul Maguire as finalists. Sharp, in Saturday's Bills/Broncos game, compared the Bills J.P. Losman, Willis Magahee and Lee Evans to, are you ready, Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, and Edgerrin James. Vowing not to be outdone, Maguire made his bid for the award early in Sunday's Bears/Falcons tilt, when he said that Brian Urlacher would end up being better than Dick Butkis and Mike Singletary. Stay tuned, this promises to be a close vote.
• Talk about out of sight, out of mind. After years of watching officials butcher games, I do not even notice when they disappear. Does anyone know what happened to Johnny Greer? I just realized I have not seen him all season. I would ask what happened to Phil Luckett too, but I am sure he is sleeping with the fishes by now....
• Chris Simms does not seem like he will ever be an above-average quarterback. I am not sure if it is his decision making, lack of leadership, or the fact that his helmet looks three sizes too big for his head, but he does not strike he as a guy who can be a winner. It dates back to his days at Texas, when he had the most talent, but clearly was not as good a quarterback as Major Applewhite (playing Simms over Applewhite at all was one of Mack Brown's worst coach ing decisions, other than taking the head coaching job at UNC). Look for Simms to be in Gruden's doghouse by end of next year, and maybe never regain a starting job in the league after that.
• Speaking of bad quarterbacks, Michael Vick is below average at his position. In other words, he is the most over-hyped, over-rated player in the league. His accuracy is frigteningly erratic, and when you take away his running, as the Bears did last night, he is next to worthless. As I said in my October 12th column, I believe Matt Schaub has the capabilities to be a very good quarterback. Therefore, if I were the Atlanta GM, I would trade Vick this offseason for a strong wide receiver, offensive lineman, and linebacker or safety. That would upgrade me at four positions, and I would be ready to win the Super Bowl in the 2007 season, in Schaub's second full year as starter. The only question is whether Warrick Dunn can hold up at his current level for two more years. Of course, this will not happen, as they will stick with Vick and probably never even get back to the NFC Championship game.
• And finally on quarterbacks, it appears as if the Kyle Orton era is over in Chicago, at least until Rex Grossman gets hurt again in about 2 weeks. Did you see the way the offense sparked when Grossman came in the game? I feel bad for Orton, who in my opinion did a nice job in a tough spot, but he had taken this team as far as he could....
• Does anyone realize, or care, that the Winter Olympics start in less than 8 weeks? Does anyone know where they even are being held, much less who the favorite in the luge is?
• The Colts lost yesterday, and will probably lose again next week in a meaningless non-conference game on the road on a different surface (the Seahags play on grass now don't they?) against a team who needs the game to clinch home field. All that being said, when the playoffs rev up, they will be beating teams by 30 points and nobody will care about what happened in Weeks 15 & 16.
• Jim Haslett gets my award for Bigger Balls than AC/DC. Here is a guy who is in his 6th season as a head coach, has a career record of under 48% (45-49), has been to the playoffs a whopping one time in 6 years, and he not only wants to keep coaching, but wants a five year extension with total football control (i.e., he wants to play GM as well as coach). If I were this guy, I would be using the hurricane as an excuse why I should get another year, and not asking for more money, more controls, and a five year deal. This guy was up against a tough situation this year, and failed miserably at holding his team together. This team could have rallied around each other and been competitive, but instead they are a dismal 3-11. Yes, I think they have been screwed by the league (especially for giving the Giants an extra home game by making them play at NY), but Haslett has been as he has in every other facet of his coaching career, mediocre at best.
• Shavlik Randolph is getting more minutes a 76er this season than he would have at Duke. I guess his going pro early was not such a bad idea. He has snatched 22 rebounds in just 34 minutes the last two games. Keep it up, Shavlik!
• Duke and St. John's meet up this week in a rivalry that has lost a little luster in the last few years. Stitzer promises me Norm Roberts is shaping up the Red Storm program and that they will again be competitive within two years.
• Here is wishing everybody a Merry Christmas and Happy Channukah! Have a safe, happy and healthy holiday season!!!