T.O., Don't Get So Upset, It's Just Baseball

I think we learned for sure that T.O., during his glorious two-year stint in Philadelphia, became a die-hard Phillies fan. He is hurting so bad, as we all are, from the collapse that is happening as we watch. The difference, of course, is that most of us Philly fans are brought up to learn how to handle such constant and unexpected disappointment. T.O. could not take the pain any longer. The lesson: do not try to become a Philadelphia sports fan if you are not born into it. The risks are too great. It is like someone not having a polio vaccine and then making out with FDR (yeah, I know…).

Anyway, my point here is not that to poke fun at T.O., although there is temptation even at a difficult time like this. My point is that it is so freaking painful to be a Philadelphia Sports fan. This town is so good at inventing new and painful ways to lose, and yet the fans of this town still come back begging for more. I feel like Kevin Bacon in Animal House, just begging for more pain and disappointment, with Jolly Chollie playing the role of Niedermeier.

The last two nights pretty well typify what it is to be a sports fan in Philadelphia. After struggling all year to take the wild card lead, something they never had for a single day until after Sunday, the Philberts were in the catbird seat coming into the season’s final week. On Monday, they play a one game make-up against a Houston team that had to fly in late after a Sunday Night game and then leave town immediately after the game. Then they go up 4-2 in the 7th inning only to have their bullpen collapse and their offense prove unable to mount a counterattack. Wild card race tied.

Then came last night. Let’s look at the facts. The Phillies, playing the best baseball in the National league since the All-Star break, were starting a three game series against the WORST TEAM IN THE NATIONAL LEAGUE, a team who is already making tee times for next week in between their happy ending massages. And then the Fightin Phils put together four straight hits in the top of the first to take a 2-0 lead. And Brett Myers, supposed team ace and part time wifebeater, is on the mound. Done deal, right? WRONG! They put their bats away, forget how to field and run the bases, and in general looked like a microcosm of the Cardinals season (i.e., a complete and utter choke).

One question I have: when did hitting the foul pole become a foul ball, and how can the ump not see a freaking ricochet off the pole? And how does Jolly Chollie not complain when Utley’s home run which bounced off the foul pole? Was he getting his back zits popped in the dugout and did not see it? Marole Leteber says “bottom line we still win if umps call Utley’s homer a homer. Where is Cholly arguing. Maybe other ump says it is. Even with no overturn at least FIRE up team….”

Another issue: when you are in the major leagues and your only job is to be a pinch runner, then shouldn’t you be a competent baserunner? This moron Jason Bourne come into pinch run and then slides right past second base? Are you kidding me? This is the type of stuff that happens in a Major League or Bad News Bad movie, not by a real major league baseball player.

And I won’t even get into Pat the nonexistent bat Burrell. He is the worst excuse for a $50 million man I have ever seen. He cannot hit better than most of our pitchers, his defense is atrocious, and his downtrodden attitude cannot be good for the clubhouse.

This team is not out of it yet. They are one game back with 5 to play. It just feels an awful lot like every other team in Philadelphia that falls just short. When talking to my buddy Mike Gross about the situation, he said: “Last night on WIP, Eskin The Ass polled fans, an unbelievable (and unreliable) majority of whom said they would rather see the Phils lose out and have Manuel replaced then make a half-ass playoff run and be stuck with Jolly Chollie next season where he could further screw up this promising young team. I scoffed at this nonsense until I watched last night's game. If somebody put in writing that I would never have to see Burrell, Lieberthal and Manuel wearing red and white pinstripes again, I would sacrifice the playoff run as of today.”

As Howard Beale says in Network, “I’m Mad as Hell, and I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore.” Actually, who are we kidding? As a Philadelphia fan, we will be back for more, and we will keep taking it, one professional sports team at a time. After all, Philadelphia is the Joe Dimaggio of cities, with 90 straight attempts over 23 years (4 per year excluding ‘94 baseball and ‘05 hockey which did not happen due to strikes!) without a championship in any sport.

Anyway, let's hope the Phils miraculously break tradition and somehow sneak into the playoffs....for T.O.'s sake.