KMart's Take: Let's Go Racin'

We have gotten away from sports for the last couple days, but where else on the Internet can you get a space exploration discussion that features boobs prominently? Speaking of Kevin J. Marvel, I retract my statement of his being a Skins fan. I guess I just assumed all Maryland fans were Redskin fans. Turns out he was born in Philly, still has relatives here, and is a big Bird fan. See, I knew I liked this cat. Anyway, Marvel and I share the objective of watching Kalinock's football team writhe and suffer in pain.

But on to today's feature: my buddy KMart is my token redneck friend. Actually, I have more now that we started doing business on the Florida panhandle, but that is for another day. To prove that his bumpkin-ism runs deep, he has prepared for you, no matter your level of interest or current understanding, a look at Nascar and its upcoming season, My suggestion to those 80% of you who are reading this and have no knowledge or interest in Nascar: read it anyway. At least when you are at a boring cocktail party and someone starts in with one of those "If they can put a man on the moon" items that KJM referenced yesterday, then you can fire back with some Nascar factoids and make them go away. Plus, it beats getting back to work.

One thing to remember while reading this if you have kids nearing college age: the below is what a Wofford and South Carolina education can get you!!!
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Okay kids, school is back in session… woo hoo! NASCAR is right around the corner, so I’ve tried to leave a few class notes for each of you, depending on what your level of NASCAR education is…

NASCAR 101 (Freshmen level):

Superspeedways: These huge tracks (Daytona, Talladega, Indy, etc.) are usually 2.5 miles in length, and have huge straightaways that allow for speeds exceeding 200mph at times. For that reason, NASCAR forces the cars to put restrictor plates on the intake manifolds that reduce horsepower, and thus speed of the cars. (In 1987, Bill Elliott averaged 212 mph on one lap at Talladega!) Since the cars are essentially equal in horsepower, aerodynamics importance is heightened, and thus drafting is key. Drafting means getting behind another car to take advantage of the reduced drag from the air. Those who find friends to help them along, generally are near the front at the end.
The biggest wrecks also take place at the Superspeedways. Fun to watch death and destruction, ain’t it?

Intermediate Tracks: These are generally anything from a mile to 2 miles in length, and make up the bulk of the schedule. Speeds range from 180 to 125 or so, and these races provide a little of everything. Pit strategy and mileage strategies often come into play, as there are generally lots of cautions and wrecks.

Short Tracks: The cars are jammed on top of one another, as the tracks are only half a mile in length. Lots of bumping and crashing, and lapping involved, and all at about 115 mph. The Bristol races are generally the ones to see (April & September).

Road Courses: These are really the toughest test of driving ability for the drivers as they are constantly shifting gears, shifting positions, leaning, pulling, grinding away for hours. Some drivers love ‘em and are great – like Boris Said – some are terrible at these - like Dave Blaney.

NASCAR 301 (upperclassmen; prerequisite: has attended at least one NASCAR event or been in a fantasy league):
Hendrick Motorsports will put as many drivers in the Chase as Roush this year. Roush will dominate the intermediate tracks, but will have only 3 drivers in the Chase this year – say goodbye to Carl “Tire Eatin’” Edwards, and Kurt “Excuse me ossifer” Busch.

Ford Fusions appear to be drafting very well thus far in testing– so watch for some Bowties grumbling right after Daytona and all the way up to Bristol on March 26th. And apparently the new Dodge Charger guys are already bitching - Kasey Kahne is crying already – maybe he can switch back to the Dodge Intrepid?

Kyle Petty is helping Nascar test the “car of tomorrow”… looks like the car of yesteryear to me:

nascar.com/2006/news/headlines/cup/01/19/tomorrow.2nd.test/index.html
v.
musclecarclub.com/musclecars/dodge-daytona/images/dodge-daytona-1969a.jpg

Is that 69 daytona a sweet sled or what? MOPAR at its best.

NASCAR 701 – counts towards your MSCR (Masters of Stock Car Racing)
One reason to watch the Busch Series this year:
Paul Tracy will be driving in at least 5 races… we shall see what the open-wheel master can do when draftin’, bumpin’, and rubbin’ are added to the mix.

You will become confused when Sprint, new owner of Nextel, tries to put their logo/name on the Nextel Cup. The Sprint Cup or the Nextel Cup brought to you by Sprint or something like that will probably emerge sooner than we’d like it to. There will be more and more sponsors, paint schemes and confusing name changes and new tracks than ever. Study up if you don’t want to be confused this year!

Ph.D. (i.e. you really need to get a life)
If you are really, really into NASCAR, or any racing for that matter, you may want to make it your vocation:
Send your resume to: http://www.racecityresumes.com/ They specialize in placing talent with race teams.

Now, Kmart’s Fearless and Peerless Predictions for 2006:
Most press & ink for an undeserving driver: Tony Raines
Reason: Troy Aikman & Roger Staubach are now co-owners of The “Hall of Fame” Racing Team. Cute name. Top 30 finisher. blah.

Frustrating Flops – drivers who will have below average years:
Kasey Kahne, Casey Mears, Kurt Busch, Carl Edwards, Michael Waltrip, Bobby Labonte

Michael Waltrip new team owner & driving car #55. This just in, Michael is likely to really, really suck this year. Of the 38 races to be run in 2006, he is likely to get ZERO top tens. Michael Waltrip is the new Kyle Petty, sans cheesy moustache. I won’t even mention the fact that he’s driving a Camry in 2007 . Nope, not gonna even go there. Same results for Bobby Labonte, although I’d love to see the #43 on victory lane once more in my lifetime.

Kurt Busch now in the #2 Miller Lite car – that’s just flat out depressing. His court date in Phoenix is Jan 27th, and I hope they toss his ass in the can for at least another day.

Pleasant Surprises – drivers who will exceed their normal performance:
Jamie McMurray, Kyle Busch, Brian Vickers, Joe Nemechek

Jamie McMurray is now driving the Roush #26 Crown Royal car. Who remembers that Johnny Benson used to run the #26 car when Cheerios started their sponsorship? Heady, wacky times at the MGO (Gen Mills HQ).

Nemechek has had terrible luck with equipment and flats, and all kinds of maladies. I think he came down with Avian flu last year as well. He bounces back this year to reclaim his “Front row Joe” moniker.

Daytona Sleeper: Joe Nemechek

Rookie of the Year: Martin Truex, Jr.

Nextel Champ: Tony @#%$#! Stewart repeats

My Favorite Underdog: no, it ain’t Hermie Sadler, but if Elliot’s older brother even finishes a race, it’s a banner day… really, a rookie driver named Brent Sherman was in the Air Force about 5 years ago when he won a driving contest at the Infineon Speeway. Now he has worked his way up to Nextel Cup racing! Brent is going to start at least 5 races in this year’s circuit. Overall racing experience is about 4.5 years. Prediction: #49 is likely to see #20 up his keister through his rearview mirror this year…

Other notable items:
Jeff Gordon’s new Nicorette Car is flat out heinous. I’m really sick of all these multi-sponsor paint schemes. Pick a color & go with it, I’m trying to follow you each week! And for that matter, which T-shirt will I need to wear that week?

Who will Dale Jarrett fight with this year? He had some fun times with Carl Edwards & Ryan Newman last year as his bid for the Chase faded with each passing week. I’d like to see him race that truck this year, especially since he now likes to crash into other drivers like it was a demolition derby in River Falls, Wisconsin!