Grossy's Take: Why the Phillies Make Me Throw Up In My Mouth

My buddy Grossy is fresh of his victory in my win or die pool. But all is not well in his world (or any Phillie fan's for that matter). The Philberts are off to their tyipcal 3-9 start, and Jimmy Rollins' proclamation that the Phils were the team to beat in the NL East seems both distant and laughable. At least the weather is gorgeous so there is lots of other stuff to do. One thing before I turn it over to Grossy: I am shocked his list of Phillies shortcomings does not include Gary "Sarge" Matthews, who may be the baseball announcing equivalent of Sanjaya's singing ability. If I hear him say "Mo-ace" one more time when describing Moises Alou, I may strangle myself. Anyway, here is Grossy's take on the Philberts 12 games in...
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The lead story the last two days in the Inquirer sports section is about Bill Giles' new book "Pouring Six Beers At a Time: And Other Stories From a Lifetime In Baseball." While I am sure that they are lining up at Barnes and Nobles in countless strip malls throughout the Delaware Valley today to read of the exploits of Kite Man, Philadelphia Phil and Phyllis and $1 hot dog nights, I'm gonna have to take a pass. I have spent my entire life watching the slop that passes for baseball in this town and frankly, the Phillies may be experiencing their nadir today, on April 18, 2007. Here are the Top 10 reasons why I've made a personal covenant to spend more time watching the Philadelphia Soul than the Philadelphia Phillies in April 2007:

10. The Manager
It goes without say that the decision to keep Charlie Manuel as the manager was a horrible miscalculation by Pat Gillick and the Phillies top brass. The team is woefully underprepared for the start of the season and past experience indicates that a slow April will kill any hopes for October baseball in South Philadelphia. April matters--just fire him now so we can move on and stop playing Hamlet. Perhaps the worst part is that Manuel is actually making Howard Eskin newsworthy in Philadelphia as Manuel chewed out Eskin in his office after last night's loss to the Mets. That alone is a reason to send Chollie packing up for West Virginia.

9. Zach Segovia
The fact that this clown actually started a game in April speaks volumes
about the way this team is being managed. By the way, check out Randy
Wolf in LA, 2-1 with 15 Ks. I guess that shoulder is doing ok.
Meanwhile, Freddy Garcia's fastball appeared to be in the low 70s last night. And the Phils starters have an average 5.73 ERA, the NL's worst.
And Brett Myers is 0-2 with a 15.26 ERA in his last two starts. Uh oh.

8. Jayson Werth
This guy is wretchedly horrible. Where is Jeff Conine when you need him? The Phillies outfield of Victorno-Rowand-Pat the Bat has enough question marks that this team needs a viable reserve and Werth and Michael Bourn just won't cut it. (Editor's note: This guy actually made two of the worst plays I have ever seen in tha SAME INNING! He is THAT bad)

7. The Weather
Not that there is really any reason to leave McFadden's anyway for the game at this point, but I don't sit outside for 9 innings until the thermometer is at least above 36 Fahrenheit.

6. The Catcher(s)
Wanted for grand theft larceny: Rod Barajas. 13 AB. 0 HR. .077 BA.
2 RBI. 0 R. 0 SB. Salary: $3,200,000.00. Time to send this schmuck to Batavia. And send Pat Gillick with him to work the concession stand.

5. The Alleged Offensive Powerhouse
All off-season, we heard how the Phils offense was the best in the majors, not cause for concern, the team's strong point, etc. Now they are .233 with runners in scoring position and can't seem to hit when it matters.

4. Ryan Howard
It's not solely his fault because he is getting walked every other at-bat but if Howard continues to bat below .240 and Jimmy Rollins continues to hit six times the number of Ryan's home runs, it's going to be a looooong season.

3. The New York Mets
The Mets continue to pound on the Phillies in both the standings and in head-to-head matchups, continuing right where they left off last season.
And their 40 something pitcher is much better than our 40 something pitcher. Hard to believe that the Phils are close to being in contention for nothing more than a wild card in the middle of April.

2. 9674
The number of days since the Phillies won their last World Series. And for the record, you should keep this number handy: 2074. That's the number of days until the world will end according to Dutch Daulton.

1. The Bullpen
The worst collection of relievers in MLB. The painful part is that everyone knew this going into the season and nobody did a damn thing to fix the situation. Ryan Madson and his 6.00+ ERA makes me cringe every time he takes the ball. Chollie recently said "we need to fix our pen,"
to which a local writer replied "Manuel's best option may be disconnecting the phone line from the dugout to the bullpen."

I'll stop venting for now and sign off by saying that I look forward to reading a review of the Bill Giles book by someone other than Jayson Stark (who was paid to write the forward). Because I am really, really curious about how Mary Sue Styles and the other ballgirls from the Vet are doing these days. (Editor's note: I hate to rain on your already wet parade, Grossy, but I googled Mary Sue for you and.....nothing)