Public Bathrooms...
There is a lot of stuff to talk about today, such as the ongoing McNabb/T.O. saga, a recap of the Duke/BC game from last night, Joey Porter’s big mouth, and Judge Alito breaking from the conservatives on his first case, but those issues will have to take a back seat today. We need instead to focus on public bathroom etiquette. Something has to be done.
I was getting through yesterday like most days, mixing some work, some blogging and some important Internet searches together for a combination of a few laughs, a few tears and a few too many pieces of the candy that sits right outside my office. Then, as Forest Gump once said so eloquently, I thought “I gotta go pee.” So I walked out to the public bathrooms on the 7th floor in our fancy office building, and I saw something that I had seen twice before from the same exact dude: he was using the middle urinal, meaning no matter if I chose the left or the right, I had to stand right next to his big, smelly, untucked frame. Now I know what you are thinking: maybe he came in and there were people in the other urinals. See I thought of this the first time this happened with this guy, and immediately went on a detailed reenactment of the crime to determine that it was impossible.
So there I was, pretending I did not notice this guy, while we practically were nudging elbows, all while there was a perfectly viable solution that could have been realized if he just used a little bathroom etiquette. I told myself that I would use this forum, with hundreds of thousand of regular readers (OK, tens), to educate the masses so that others could be spared from these uncomfortable moments. If I can only save one person from this embarrassment, I have done my job. So, with that in mind, here is my Top 10 list of Public Bathroom Etiquette (note: to all the ladies out there, if I am missing something that is gender specific, please feel free to click on the comment section at the bottom of this post and add your thoughts):
10. Give a courtesy flush. This idea has been around for as long as indoor plumbing. Just because you decide you like your smell, doesn’t mean I will. After you drop the kids off at the opol, give a flush to clear the air before finishing your business.
9. No clipping nails. I do not know why people feel the need to clip there nails anywhere but in the privacy of their own personal bathroom at home, but I have seen it at a restaurant, on a plane, a former boss of mine in his office, and yes, in the public bathroom. Is this just an attempt to maximize efficiencies? Just stop.
8. If you are ever bold and lucky enough to have sex in a public bathroom (see Panther Cheerleaders on google), at least leave the door open so the rest of us can get a cheap peek. I mean, this is a win-win. I mean, clearly you are an exhibitionist if you choose this location, plus we get the unexpected bonus of a free look at boobs.
7. No peeing on the floors. Is it that hard to aim it and get it into the urinals? Why is it that there is often a puddle on the floors. Don’t they teach this at like age 3? Just concentrate, and hit the target.
6. Wash your hands. I mean I do not really care if you are a scumbag and do not clean yourself, but at least fake it and go through the motions. Otherwise, how do you expect me to shake your hand when someone introduces us.
5. No laughing or commentary after loud gas. Just get back to the task at hand.
4. It is OK, even encouraged, to bring reading materials into the bathroom. It is not OK to use a cell phone. It is bad enough I have to listen to you take a dump, I do not need to listen to you on the phone at the same time.
3. If you brush your teeth after lunch, at least do not leave toothpaste in the sink.
2. Flush. I do not need to see your corn from the night before when I enter the facilities.
1. When choosing a urinal, always pick the one that allows the highest likelihood that a buffer will always be maintained when new people come in while you are still active. Even if that means using a kids urinal, NEVER SACRIFICE THE BUFFER.
That is all for today. Tomorrow we will try to get back to sports, which will include my Super Bowl pick.
posted by Dils @ 2/02/2006 12:14:00 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
is there a more panicked feeling than having to take a major dump very badly while at a football stadium - in the 4th quarter?
Ok, a few more:
1. Men: Don't pee on the seat or on the goddamn floor! It can't be that hard to aim straight.
2. Men: if you do miss and pee on the floor or on the toilet seat, clean that shit up! It's disgusting to see pee all over the place. You don't do it at home; don't do it here. In my overly expensive fancy/shmancy health club, you can't go to the urinal without shoes because guys pee all over the floor. In our expensive 7th floor office bathroom alluded to by Brian, there is always pee on the floor and on the seats of the toilet. You gotta be kidding me!
I once put a sign about peeing innacuracy on the mirrors of our 7th floor bathroom. The sign was, of course, ripped down by, no doubt, the poor pissers. However, not before Brian made up a response that he claimed to rip down from the bathroom mirror. I quickly responded by posting a response in the mirror complete with my business card inviting the responder to come see me for some potty training. Fortunately, Brian let the ruse up before I had to confront the smelly fat guy who likes to pee in the center urinal, violating the buffer rule.
See ya, I gotta go pee . . .
... and I caught grief for writing a Nascar article? Dils, I'm beginning to think you've spent too much time on construction sites.
However, I do have a theory on why there is so much urine on men's room floors. Alot of it (not all) has to be from the old guys. With their swollen prostates, they have a hard time getting enough pressure going in order to reach the bowl with a steady stream. Thus, it's only a few dribbles straight onto the seat & floor. I figure that they are too blind to see down there, too frail to clean it up, and too shriveled to make it go straight.
Solution: any man over 70 should probably just suck it up and sit down to piss... a much less messy choice
Dils- your best post yet. Now what are your feelings about this: holding the paper towel that you just dried your hands with to turn the handle to open the door on the way out? Then holding the door open with your foot while you toss the paper towel away? I'm a big fan of that move. And another thing you should to your list: make sure the paper towel goes in the trash can! I mean if you can't sink that bucket then don't play. But seriously, if you miss, you bend down and pick it up. Right?
Some clown in the 5th floor of your fancy office building uses the same shitter everyday while: (1) drinking a cup of coffee; (2) eating a donut; and (3) talking incessantly on his cell phone. Always leaves the empty coffee cup and donut wrapper/bag in the stall. I cry foul.
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